David asked me the other day how I would feel if we lost this baby and I really didn’t have an answer. I think that is something you just wouldn’t be able to describe unless you were there. I’ve been thinking about it since I found out I was pregnant (so early at just 3w1d that I took a test every day just to make sure that I still was) and I’ve been thinking about it more since he asked me. Not that I’m trying to prepare myself, but just trying to wrap my head around it somehow. How do you deal with knowing you were creating this little life inside of you, falling in love and wanting to protect this life with everything you have, and then having it suddenly taken away from you?
I have been praying since I found out about my little Guppy that I would remember that I have been blessed to be chosen to parent this baby for his or her time here this side of heaven, but that this was not my doing. Yes, it was David and my DNA, but God created this baby and He loves him or her far more than I would ever be capable of. He has known about him or her from the beginning, long before we even contemplated the idea. He is knitting this baby together (Ps 139:13) and He is doing it perfectly, according to His plan. The more I try to take credit for Guppy the harder it would be for me to let go. This is not to say that I’m not attached, believe me, I am, but if I continue to put my faith in His plan, all the while knowing how much better it is than the one in my head, I’ll be ok. If it happened, I would be heartbroken and I know it would be one of the most difficult things I’d ever have to deal with, but I also know it would be next to impossible to get over if all I could chalk losing my child up to was science, without knowing that God has His hands all over it.
I hope I never have to do more than contemplate this situation and Guppy will be here next May, causing me to lose sleep and probably some of my sanity. In the mean time, David and I will continue to pray. Pray that Guppy is healthy and for his or her heart, brain, liver, teeth and every other developing part.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. Ecclesiastes 11:5