I’m not sure where to begin, but in order to understand the rambling I’m about to do you’ll need to know that I’m dealing with 2 people, my old-self and my new-self (my mom-self).
I’ve been back at work for 2 months now and I’d love to say things are going great, but they aren’t.
My old-self LOVES getting up, and dressed for work, and having a routine. My old-self loves a challenge and staring at numbers all day. My old-self loves that I provide financially for our family and the pressure isn’t totally on David. My old-self does not want to be home all day. My old-self tells my new-self that Kennedy is just fine at daycare and it’s the quality of time together, not the quantity.
My new-self, my mom-self, still can’t turn back and look at Kennedy on her way out the door. My new-self hates that Kennedy smells like someone else at the end of the day. My new-self doesn’t like staring at meaningless numbers all day. My new-self would love nothing more than to stay home all day. My new-self tells my old-self that she knows Kennedy better than anyone and she should be the one taking care her.
The problem? Aside from having multiple personalities… I haven’t completely let go of my old-self. I’m not willing to. There are parts of me, pre-Kennedy, that I want to keep. I thought it would be easier, and I act surprised by this, but I should have known. Kennedy turned my world inside out and upside down, in the most amazing way, and nothing is the same anymore.
So, I change my mind, daily. Hourly. Honestly, more than that. I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes, but my thoughts are consumed by it. Do I keep working or stay home and raise my baby? There is this continuous, inner-battle going on between my old-self and my new-self and I’m still not sure who’s going to win.