Multiple Personalities (my working-mom update)

I’m not sure where to begin, but in order to understand the rambling I’m about to do you’ll need to know that I’m dealing with 2 people, my old-self and my new-self (my mom-self).

I’ve been back at work for 2 months now and I’d love to say things are going great, but they aren’t.

My old-self LOVES getting up, and dressed for work, and having a routine. My old-self loves a challenge and staring at numbers all day. My old-self loves that I provide financially for our family and the pressure isn’t totally on David. My old-self does not want to be home all day. My old-self tells my new-self that Kennedy is just fine at daycare and it’s the quality of time together, not the quantity.

time_zps2f238680

My new-self, my mom-self, still can’t turn back and look at Kennedy on her way out the door. My new-self hates that Kennedy smells like someone else at the end of the day. My new-self doesn’t like staring at meaningless numbers all day. My new-self would love nothing more than to stay home all day. My new-self tells my old-self that she knows Kennedy better than anyone and she should be the one taking care her.

knowherbest_zpsa76ddb81

The problem? Aside from having multiple personalities… I haven’t completely let go of my old-self. I’m not willing to. There are parts of me, pre-Kennedy, that I want to keep. I thought it would be easier, and I act surprised by this, but I should have known. Kennedy turned my world inside out and upside down, in the most amazing way, and nothing is the same anymore.

So, I change my mind, daily. Hourly. Honestly, more than that. I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes, but my thoughts are consumed by it. Do I keep working or stay home and raise my baby? There is this continuous, inner-battle going on between my old-self and my new-self and I’m still not sure who’s going to win.

Advertisements

Published by

melissa0785

Iā€™m a twenty-something wannabe city girl living in Tallahassee, FL with my husband and high school sweetheart, David, and our girls, Kennedy and Reese. I'm a financial analyst, much better with numbers than words, but this is my attempt at recording this wonderful, crazy life of ours.

4 thoughts on “Multiple Personalities (my working-mom update)”

  1. Oh Melissa, I feel sad for you. It is such a struggle for so many Moms. It has aways been such a dilemma for so many moms. I personally could never bring myself to go to work because as you stated I felt it was my job to raise my babies, I didn’t want to miss a first of anything they did because I knew I could never get that back. I know so many moms that say that while they worked it made them miss them more and they needed their adult time. I never once have had a regret. I do however feel that it has to be a personal choice and I don’t think either way is wrong. It is what ever makes you and your baby happy. Good Luck with your choice and it will be the right one. The job of a Mommy is never easy!!

  2. Is there any chance you can work from home at your same company? Or can you work from home for a different company part-time? Or you could always start a side business from home! I work from home and LOVE it (my daughter is almost 6 months). There are definitely days that are overwhelming, but I love that I’m with her all day. Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not paying as much attention to her as I should be, but she’s a super happy baby and I know I’m doing the best for my family by bringing in some extra money. I’ll be praying for you!!

    1. I think part time or my own business would be great, but I definitely cant go part time with my job and part time seems hard to come by. I don’t really like working from home, it’s too stressful being pulled in multiple directions. I like to focus either on work or her, but not both at the same time. Thanks for the prayers šŸ™‚

      Melissa Sent from my iPhone

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s